What to say to someone whose kid is going into surgery?

Navigating a child's surgery is an emotionally draining experience for any parent, and often, their friends and family are unsure of what to say to someone whose kid is going into surgery. Expressing your support in a meaningful and sensitive way can make a world of difference during this difficult time.

Quick Summary

Offering practical assistance and genuine empathy to a parent facing their child's surgery is key. Focusing on supportive actions and words that acknowledge their pain without minimizing it can provide immense comfort, helping them feel less isolated during this stressful journey.

Key Points

• Validate Feelings: Acknowledge the parent's pain and fear directly without offering empty reassurances or platitudes.

• Offer Specific Help: Instead of the vague "Let me know if you need anything," provide concrete, actionable offers like bringing dinner or walking the dog.

• Be a Listener: Sometimes, the best support is simply your quiet, patient presence and a willingness to listen without judgment or interruption.

• Coordinate Support: Help organize practical assistance like meal trains or communication updates to reduce the burden on the parent.

• Continue to Support: Remember that the need for support extends well beyond the surgery day, throughout the child's recovery period.

• Avoid Minimizing Language: Refrain from using phrases like "everything will be fine" or "this is for a reason," as they can be invalidating during a difficult time.

Offering Support to a Parent During a Child's Surgery

When a child is facing surgery, the parents are often consumed by worry, fear, and a sense of helplessness. As a friend or family member, your role is to provide comfort and practical support without adding to their burden. Understanding the best approach begins with recognizing that your presence and genuine care are more important than finding the "perfect" words.

The Importance of Validating Their Feelings

Parents of sick children can experience a whirlwind of emotions, from anxiety about the outcome to guilt over their child's pain. It's crucial to validate these feelings rather than dismissing them with platitudes like "everything will be fine." While well-intentioned, such statements can feel invalidating. Acknowledging their situation and their feelings is a far more empathetic approach.

What to say vs. what to avoid

What to Say (Validating)	What to Avoid (Minimizing)
"I'm so sorry you're going through this."	"I'm sure everything will be okay."
"I can't imagine how difficult this must be."	"Just stay positive."
"It's okay to feel overwhelmed."	"This is all part of God's plan."
"I'm here for you, no matter what."	"Let me know if you need anything."*

*Note: The phrase "Let me know if you need anything" can place the burden on the parent to manage your offer. It's often better to offer a specific action.

Providing Practical Assistance

One of the most impactful ways to support a family is by providing concrete, actionable help. Parents preparing for or recovering from their child's surgery are often too overwhelmed to think about mundane tasks like cooking or cleaning. A specific offer of help is far more valuable than a general one.

• Offer specific help, not vague promises. Instead of saying, "What can I do?" try, "I'm free on Saturday, can I mow your lawn or walk the dog?" or "I'm making a lasagna tonight, can I drop one off for you?"
• Coordinate with others. Suggest setting up a meal train or a group chat for updates, which can reduce the pressure on the parents to communicate with everyone individually.
• Help with other children. Offer to babysit siblings, take them to their activities, or have them over for a playdate. This gives the parents one less thing to worry about and provides a needed distraction for the other kids.
• Run errands. Grocery shopping, picking up prescriptions, or other small tasks can be a huge relief. You can simply text, "I'm heading to the store, can I pick up anything for you?"

The Power of Being Present

Sometimes, the best support is your quiet, patient presence. Just sitting with a friend and offering a listening ear can provide immense comfort. Don't feel the need to fill the silence. Your non-verbal communication can be just as powerful as your words.

Acknowledging the Fear and Uncertainty

The period leading up to and immediately following a child's surgery is filled with fear. It is helpful to acknowledge this fear directly but gently. You can say things like, "I know how scary this must be for you, and I want you to know I'm thinking of you and your family." This shows you recognize the gravity of the situation without trying to "fix" it.

What to do before, during, and after surgery

1. Before Surgery: Check in frequently, offer to help with preparations, and send a message letting them know you're thinking of them. Respect their need for privacy if they are overwhelmed.
2. During Surgery: Send a simple text or email that says, "Thinking of you today." Don't expect a reply. Avoid constant calls that might interrupt updates from the hospital.
3. After Surgery: After the surgery, continue to offer support. The recovery period is often lengthy and requires ongoing assistance. Remember that the stress doesn't end when the surgery does.

Words of Encouragement and Reassurance

While avoiding empty promises, you can offer genuine encouragement. Focus on the parents' strength rather than the outcome of the surgery. For example, "You are handling this with so much grace and strength. Your child is so lucky to have you." Reassure them that they are doing a great job under unimaginable pressure.

Sending a Thoughtful Gift

Sometimes, a thoughtful gift can express what words cannot. A gift card for a food delivery service, a basket of comfort items like a cozy blanket and snacks, or a coloring book and crayons for the child can all be meaningful gestures. For ideas on creating a helpful care package, consider resources from reputable children's hospitals like St. Jude Children's Research Hospital.

Staying Engaged Long-Term

The initial outpouring of support often fades over time. Make a conscious effort to check in on the family weeks and months after the surgery. The post-operative journey, which includes follow-up appointments and recovery, can be long and isolating. Your continued support will show that you care about their entire journey, not just the acute event.

By following these guidelines, you can ensure your support is a genuine source of comfort rather than an added stressor. Your empathy and practical help will be remembered long after the difficult days have passed.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is the best thing to say to a parent whose child is going into surgery?

The best things to say are simple, empathetic, and validating. Try phrases like, "I'm so sorry this is happening," "I can't imagine how hard this is," or "I'm thinking of you and your family." These statements acknowledge their pain without minimizing it.

Is it okay to offer help, or should I wait for them to ask?

It is better to offer specific, actionable help rather than waiting. A general offer like, "Let me know if you need anything," puts the pressure on them to identify a need. Instead, suggest a concrete task, such as, "Can I bring you a meal on Tuesday?"

What should I avoid saying to a parent whose child is having surgery?

Avoid platitudes like "Everything happens for a reason," "Stay positive," or "I'm sure everything will be okay." While well-intentioned, these phrases can dismiss their valid fears and feelings. Similarly, avoid telling stories about similar experiences unless specifically asked.

How can I support a parent who doesn't seem to want to talk about it?

Respect their need for space and privacy. You can still offer support through actions, like dropping off a meal with a note, sending a thoughtful text, or coordinating help with other friends. Your presence, even without words, can be comforting.

What kind of practical help is most useful for parents with a hospitalized child?

Practical help can include delivering easy-to-eat meals, taking care of other siblings, running errands like grocery shopping or picking up prescriptions, and managing household chores like laundry or yard work.

How should I handle communication during the surgery day?

Send a brief text or email letting them know you're thinking of them, but don't expect or demand a response. Avoid calling repeatedly, as they need to keep their phone lines open for hospital updates. Constant communication can add unnecessary stress.

Is it helpful to send gifts to the hospitalized child?

Yes, small, thoughtful gifts for the child and any siblings can be very meaningful. Examples include a new book, a coloring book, a small toy, or a basket of their favorite snacks. Always check with the parents first regarding any hospital restrictions or allergies.

How can I continue to be supportive after the surgery is over?

The post-operative recovery period can be long and challenging. Check in regularly, offer continued practical help, and listen to their experiences. Remember that their journey doesn't end when the surgery does, and your long-term support is invaluable.